Parental Vortex of Negativity

I don't know about you, but my parents are ones that dwell in the negative...they are more comfortable planning for the disaster than focusing on the possible, and they like it there. Now, I do love my parents dearly, but I find myself often comparing them to the on-going skit “Debbie Downer” with Rachel Dratch on Saturday Night Live.



Whenever someone has something positive to say, you can count on my parents killing the conversation with a negative point that drags the whole crowd down. I call it the "Vortex of Negativity".

For example, when I decided to leave my last job and take my current job, I told my Dad that I was going to have a leadership position and that I was really excited. His response? “You know, the people at the top get fired more often…”. Or when I told my Mom that we were putting in a pool in our back yard, her response was that kids drown in back yard pools.


(*Note: Pool of death)

Needless to say, it is a tiresome feat to be near my parents if you have a inherent positive nature about you, which I like to think I do. So, I got to thinking that I should figure out a way to get the "Vortex of Negativity" to become the "Vortex of Positivity"…but how?

I thought about the visual of a vortex and noted the swirling pattern. So if I want to "turn that frown upside down", I need to think of the vortex in reverse. Well, thank God for that degree in Chemical Engineering because I recalled the Coriolis Effect, which is just that, the view of a double sided vortex.



The Coriolis Effect is defined as (Coriolis Effect), and the most notable example of the Coriolis Effect is that the winds in the Northern Hemisphere travel in the opposite direction to the winds in the Southern Hemisphere of our dear Earth. SO, you know what this means don’t you? If I am in an opposite hemisphere from my parents (me here in Pennsylvania and them in Australia for argument’s sake) when they engage their “Vortex of Negativity” then by the time it gets to me it is, by nature of the Coriolos Effect, a “Vortex of Positivity” because the energy flows in the opposite direction! And if I am in a “Vortex of Positivity” then I am going to be happier, and want to be around my parents more often!

THEREFORE, based on the fact that my parents are so far away and considering the Coriolis Effect, this proves beyond all doubt that the age old adage is true – distance makes the heart grow fonder!

Diet Pills and Decorum

A friend of mine, OBS Housekeeper, recently brought to my attention a diet pill that has, well, um,...side effects. It is GSK's ORLISTAT, and apparently the drug is now obtainable in an Over The Counter (OTC) 60 mg version called Alli. This means that the access to the drug will be ever-so-much greater than before. The question is whether or not people buying the product will be prudent enough to read the side effects and warnings. Please allow me to expand on this for you...

The web site makes the following statement regarding "treatment effects"

The main treatment effect occurs when an individual eats a meal with too much fat while taking Alli. Treatment effects may include:

Loose or more frequent stools that may be hard to control
An urgent need to go to the bathroom
Gas with oily spotting

They further go on to recommend not wearing white clothing due to the "oily spotting". That got me thinking, should we only take the drug in the off-season when wearing white is not appropriate anyway? I think Kathleen Turner's Beverly in Serial Mom would clearly agree that dieting is very good, but never take the pills in the summer since that is the time of year when white is an acceptable color to wear. Clearly the product is motivating you to plan ahead, diet in the winter so that when Memorial day comes around, you can and should be thin AND wear white.




Having loose stools that are hard to control can be a downer and a side effect of Alli, so you may want to work from home (or bathroom for that matter) during your weight loss time. Nothing says convenience like taking a conference call on the pot. I highly recommend the mute capability at the uncontrollable release times as well as for the flush.


"The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza." OK, who wants pizza now! I think that the Treatment Effects are enough to have me stop eating pizza forever...how about you?



I am certainly need to lose weight - 50 lbs or so, but being fat is bad enough. I don't want to be fat and have the "treatment effects" haunting me.

This is a product that is screaming out to the SNL staff for a scene on the show, don't you think?

The Blog That Cleaned Manhattan

The following post comes to us from OBS Housekeeper...sister to TBTAM. This post and the Clog that Stopped Manhattan are both parody blogs to http://TheBlogThatAteManhattan.blogspot.com


Sometimes I think that no one understands me. They mean well, but they really just don’t get me. They don’t understand the satisfaction felt when a bathroom is sparkling and all you can smell is the fresh scent of bleach. They look at me like I am loco when I talk about the sheen of a newly mopped floor. And I will not apologize for cleaning the cap of the dish detergent because it gets all clogged up. These things give me pleasure. These things give me pride. These things are important. Thanks for listening.

OBS Housekeeper

The Clog that Ate Manhattan

That Stopped

On Vacation…

Did you ever have the problem of getting “clogged” when you are not at home? It’s always the worst when you are on vacation…something about your routine being broken, and perhaps, eating too much cheese.

Who really knows, but it never fails.

My friend, OBS Housekeeper, inevitably has this problem. And rather than talk about a somewhat uncomfortable topic in a somewhat uncomfortable way, she refers to the clogged issue as “being on vacation”. It’s a good euphemism, don’t you think?

In case you find yourself in this situation, I find that there are a few things you can do about it!

1. Drink large amounts coffee. Seems to work on me every time. Something about the bean juice gets the clog all broken up. It can’t just be the caffeine because tea is not a good substitute. Drink the coffee – black!

2. Two spoons of Metamucil makes the clog go away, the clog go away, the clog go away... Just add the fiber into a nice glass of OJ in the morning, and the world is your oyster!

3. While you may be on vacation and somewhat uncomfortable, take yourself sight seeing or someplace very public where this is no toilet around. It NEVER fails.

4. Start a home project and go to the basement of a building to get your tools. Your colon will reward you. This could just be my body’s little quirk, but give it a whirl and see.

5. Travel to India and drink the water. You will pray for the next time you are “on vacation”…

6.Last tip…call your doctor and get a cleanse that you would use the night before a colonoscopy. These products are like a little bomb in your intestines, but be forewarned – you should not be far from a commode because your vacation is going to come to screeching halt!